I Am Remus Lupin
by SilverTrio
Summary: Ok, its OC, so its bound to be silly...but basically Remus is reflecting back on his past, and how it affects him today.


((A/N- I know, I know, these original character fanfics are stupid, but, oh well. I wrote this one night, and decided to upload it, just to see how popular it was. Nothing in here belongs to me, 'cept Averil and Rianne. As always, please R/R! Thanks!))  
  
  
  
I think I will die here.  
  
Death.  
  
Oh, does that sound welcoming.  
  
It's been...let's see...  
  
Seven.   
  
Seven years of torture.  
  
How could he do this??  
  
I lay here in this run-down old apartment, staring at the ceiling. I'm the last one left.  
The Last Maruader.  
  
How did this happen? I don't know. I only know that I, Remus Lupin, see no more point to fighting the Darkness. Everything I've worked so hard to save, to keep safe, has fallen anyways. I smile bitterly, remembering the past. No, I can't remember. But I know there was a time I wasn't always this way. However, things change, and so did my life...for the worse.  
  
Let me take you back to when Remus Lupin began his transformation. No, not my lycanthropy; I've learned to live with that. I'm talking about my fall from glory, the descent into the abyss....  
~*~  
  
"Remus, what is this thing doing in here?"  
Remus looked up from his book, frst at the olive-green cat sculpture in the middle of the floor, and then up to his annoyed fiancee.  
  
He blinked. "It appears to be just sitting there."  
  
Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say, because Averil threw up her hands and haughtily exited the room. Remus winced. Another point lost for Lupin. He sighed, set his book aside, and got up, following Averil into the next room, her bedroom. However, he stopped when he heard muttering.  
  
"It has to be either Peter or Sirius....I know, I know, Peter sounds like the least likely spy in the world...All right, Lynntor. Take care. Love you too."  
  
There was the sound of a telephone being hung up, and a great sigh. Remus opened the door slightly, looking at her. She blinked, looking at once guilty, defiant, startled, and confused.  
  
"Remus," she greeted him. He stared at her levelly.  
  
"I think you're wrong."  
  
Her chin lifted. "I don't."  
  
"Averil, just because you're a queen and an Auror doesn't mean you know everything," Remus said angrily, a tenseness that had been present for weeks now finally surfacing.  
  
"Oh, and I suppose you do?," she snapped back, eyes flashing.  
  
Remus flushed, his words heated. "I don't pretend to be something I'm not, do I?"  
  
"That's where you're wrong," she replied scathingly. "You pretend to be Mr. Superhero, always leaping into one of my cases on a whim, just because you think I may get a scratch. Leave me to my own work, Lupin!"  
  
"Fine!," he shouted. "Honestly Averil, you've been acting strange ever since one of us Marauders have been suspected as a spy! You know what, Ril?" He dropped his voice. "Maybe you're the spy."  
  
Her cheeks reddened and her crystalline blue eyes turned steely grey. She turned away, letting the anger and shock bury the hurt. "Shows what I get for being with a werewolf," she said with a toss of her head. "All men are the same."  
  
With that she picked up her purse, an already packed suitcase for a weekend trip, and marched out the door.  
  
Within moments Remus cooled down and heard the crying. He ran outside. "Ril!!," he yelled, tears springing to his eyes. He turned just in time to see a thin form get into a Muggle car and drive away.   
  
He shut his eyes and turned away, ignoring the ring on the pavement.  
  
~*~  
  
Maybe I do remember.  
  
I must.  
  
This is what I am. A failure.  
  
That was when I first lost Averil, the only girl for me. We had been tense around each other for weeks, her facing a burnout between being an Auror and running a nation, I with just basically writing freelance and not making much money, being a werewolf and all. You would not believe how I curse myself for that day. In one fell stroke, I cut the ground from underneath us, sending our love to shatter on the crags below like thin glass as it meets a concrete surface.  
  
I have so much blood to atone for.  
  
~*~ 6 months later~*~  
  
Briiiiing.  
Briiiiing.  
  
Remus answered the phone, yawning. "Hello?"  
  
"Remus?" It was Averil. Maybe she's coming back, flashed his mind hopefully.  
  
"Yeaj, that's me," he replied, making his voice cheery. "So, where've you been, Rillie-Ril?"  
  
There was a long silence from the other end.  
  
"Averil?," Remus asked, voice a bit more concerned now. "Is everything all right?"  
  
"No. Yes."  
  
"Averil, that isn't much of an answer."  
  
"Im getting married to George, the wedding is on the fifthteenth of June, we would realy appreciate you being there--" her voice cracked---"And I have to go. Good bye."  
  
Remus slowly lowered the reciever from his ear, staring at it. Averil? Married....George....George who? George McGonagall?A dream. Only a dream.  
  
Remus let the reciever fall and sank to his knees. No, not a dream....He curled up into a ball, letting out a moan of loss and an irreplaceable void.   
  
Wolves mated for life.  
  
Averil would not be his for life.  
  
Oh, what had he done?  
  
~*~  
  
What do you know.  
  
I can remember.  
  
Amazing.  
  
Maybe I am not such a waste of humanity after all. No, I take that back. I am a waste. I just happen to be a waste with a memory. That is all I have. Memories of happy things. Memories that fade more with each passing second......yellower and yellower they come, like photographs from a lost era, turning yellow before crumbling into dust.  
  
I don't know how I survived those years. The wedding was beautfiul, but awful. At least for me. But maybe not. After all, a wedding isnt that joyous if the bride looks like she's at a funeral and not a wedding. I only stayed a little bit and left.  
  
The only consolation to me at that time was James and his little family. Harry was born only a couple months after Rianne, Averil's baby, and James couldn't have been prouder. How I looked forward to seeing that baby boy.... Something that took my mind off of Averil and the constant, eroding pain I always felt.   
  
But I'm getting off-track.  
  
~*~  
  
Remus walked with Peter, seldom saying anything but smiling once in a while as his smaller friends squealed excessively over little toys and books like Pat-the-Bunny. Remus paid little attnetion, watching a red-headed woman in the crowd, his face wrenched with mixed pain and, what was unmistakenly, love.  
  
She moved through the crowd easily, despite carrying a babe in one arm and her bags in another. Peter turned to show him something, caught his stare, and looked away quickly. He nudged Remus in the ribs, hoping to snap him back to reality. Instead Remus walked over, tapping her on the shoulder.   
  
Peter looked around for a very large book. Once he found it, he hid.  
  
"Need any help?"  
  
Averil looked up from her shopping, eyes wide, then narrowing. "I can do it," she said quietly. Of course, Remus ignored her and picked up her bags. Averil sighed explosively, allowing him to carry the groceries but not particularly happy about it. Soon the groceries were loaded, and the two stood uneasily beside each other, the silence interrupted only by Rianne's occasional snores and hiccups.  
  
They were saved, however, by Averil's barn owl Nee'lahn swooping down, landing on her shoulder. Averil smiled uncertainly at Remus and took the letter, opening it.  
  
Remus watched her read it, her face going pale and tears coming to her eyes. She swayed on her feet, and Remus grabbed her by the sholder to steady her.  
  
"Averil, what's wrong?"  
  
"James and Lily," she whispered brokenly. With that she collapsed, Remus somehow managing to catch both mother and child before they hit the ground. He laid poor little Rianne on the trunk of the Muggle car, and knelt down beside Averil, patting her cheek.  
  
"C'mon Ril," he murmured. "C'mon..."  
  
Her eyes fluttered open, and soon tears were apparent. Remus shook his head. "Im driving you home."  
  
"No," she protested weakly."I can manage--"  
  
"Sure you can. Peter will wait. C'mon, into the car." He helped her in, and then handed Ri in, the summer night smelling different, almost like death. He drove her home, where they found George called out yet again. Averil adamantly told him to leave, and Remus just as adamantly insisted on staying.  
  
Finally, as Averil came down from putting Rianne to bed, the tears began to flow. "Oh Remus," she wept, "how could Sirius do such a thing? Lily and James, his best friend and his wife...." She bent her head, her hands covering her face as she sobbed.  
  
He knew it wasn't proper and stupid, but he enfolded her in an embrace and rocked her gently till her sobs quieted, weeping with her. They sat like that for over an hour, Remus never wanting to let go again, but, he had to go. He gently carried hr over to the couch and laid her down, locking the door as he left.  
  
That night Remus did something he had never done before. He pulled up to the nearest bar, bought a couple cases of beer, and returned home. He drowned the pain, and slept the rest of the night in numbness.  
*  
"Lily and James, Sirius!! How could you?!"  
  
The scene flashed before his eyes everywhere he turned. Every wizarding household knew it well; Peter had become immortal in the minds of the common population. But it was not the futility of it all that unnerved him; it was Sirius' laughing.  
  
Remus didn't like it one bit. That maniacal laughter rang through his ears, chilling his very blood. How could he forget thier ties of friendship? How could he kille James, Lily, and Peter without a second thought? If he hadn't of been caught, who would have been next? Remus?  
  
Averil?  
  
He couldn't take the pain of living so near to the place of the Potters' demise. Harry was in safe hands, and he had no reason to stay. So, he moved to the next neighborhood or two over.  
  
~*~  
  
What for? I couldn't escape it.  
  
Lily and James were dead.   
  
Nothing could change that.  
  
  
But still, I moved. Lily and James were my family, the siblings I never would, never could have. I couldn't think after thier dea--- after thier downfall. All I could think about was Sirius, and how he had turned. Something else haunted me too, what if the next target was Ril?  
  
As it turns out, I was about to find out, six years later.  
  
~*~  
  
It had been six years since that day he had lost the Potters. Remus let a tear roll down his cheek, then saddled himself up and rose. Maybe today he would finally buy that broomstick. He dressed himself, and got in the beat up piece of Muggle transportation he loved so dearly.  
  
An hour later, he stood at the counter, paying the man and recieving his broomstick. He turned to leave, when his car drove away--- without him.  
  
"Hey!!," he shouted. "That's my car!!" Remus ran after it, , the broom in his hand. He followed it as it turned down a road, a road that should have looked familiar. Remus took no notice, however, and continued his chased until it pulled into a driveway and he lost sight. He  
ran as he heard a car door slam, and stopped to catch his breath, trying to think of a stealth attack.  
  
That stopped when he heard a familiar yell of pain. His eyed widened as he recognized the street, and renewed his efforts with an amazing burst of speed. He ran into the yard like a marathon champion, tearing into the backyard. His throat closed at the sight.  
  
There, lying by a tree, bruised and bloodied, lay Averil. His Averil.   
  
Remus sprinted over and knelt beside her, a young child's crying filling the air. He knew it was Rianne, but she sounded like she had not been hurt. So, he left her and gingerly drew the slim nymph into his arms.  
  
"Averil?," he whispered. "Ril?"  
  
"Remus, is that really you?" The voice was weak, and sounded as if it had just had a coughing fit. Averil's eyes opened, thier full attention on him. "I did so want to see you...I guess dreams really can come true."  
  
"Averil, don't give up," he said brokenly, a tear rolling down. "What happened? Who did this?"  
  
She swallowed. "Malfoy.....seems not all Death Eaters were apprehended. I saved Rianne though, Remus, you're her godfather..." She closed her eyes, wincing. "Remus, I'm not going to make it."  
  
"Don't talk that way, Ril," he said fiercely. "I don't want to lose you again."  
  
She smiled weakly, raising a scratched and bruised hand to touch his face. "Dear Remus," she said. "I don't know why I ever let you get away. I'm so sorry, Remus. Just know everything good in my life was because of you." She opened her eyes again, looking up at him. "Remus... I love you."  
  
Remus let the tears roll down his face as he held her close. "I'll take good care of Ri," he promised. "I love you too, Averil."  
  
She closed her eyes, smiled, then drew a shuddering breath. Remus held her, even as life left her battered body.  
  
~*~  
  
Of course, I couldn't keep my promise.  
  
I'm so sorry, Averil.  
  
The courts didn't let me keep Ri. They didn't even let her live with her own aunt, Minerva G. McGonagall. Instead, they granted full custody and rights to Ada and Ingrid Serell, older, distant cousins of Averil who ran an orphanage overseas in America. They were stereotypical old hags, who ran a stereotypical miserable orphanage that tended to work the kids in thier care more than they fed them. It's ten months since the custody battle, and my heart breaks for poor Rianne. But there's nothing anyone can do until we have proof of mistreatment. Oh, Ri.  
  
I lay here in this old apartment, the past filling my eyes with tears even as the chill February wind slips through the cracks in the window pane to whip a cold storm through the room. How I wish I could die here. I've failed everybody.  
  
Sirius, for not seeing the pit he fell into.  
James and Lily, for never suspecting the truth of the matter.  
Harry, for not being able to help you.  
Peter, for not convincing him Sirius wasn't worth the effort of revenge.  
Rianne, for not trying harder to keep her here in her home.  
  
And Averil, my dear Averil. Please forgive me, love. I never stopped loving you, and all I ever wished for you was a good life and happiness. I curse myself everyday for not being able to give you either, the first because of what I am, and the second because of who I am. I failed you, I know, I think about it everyday. But I want you to know, just as you said to me, everything good in my life was because of you.  
  
Please, forgive me for what I'm about to do. I'm not meant to live in this world with normal people.  
  
~*~  
  
Dumbledore sat beside the injured man, a sympathetic look creasing his brow. He was aware of footsteps entering and stopping behind him.  
  
"Albus? How is he?"  
  
He rose and turned around, smiling at the Deputy Headmistress. "Better, Minerva, better," he answered. "All we can do is hope."  
  
She nodded. "You should get some rest. Come, we should discuss the rules for student conduct Filch has proposed over a bite to eat." She cast him an inquiring look.  
  
He waved her out. "Go ahead, I will be with you momentarily." Dumbldedore looked back to the nearly comatose werewolf.  
  
"Ah, Remus," he said softly. "You can't blame yourself for all of this. What would Averil think?" He watched him for a moment, then sighed and exited the room.  
  
As he left, he could swear he caught a scent of lavender perfume and a smile on Remus' face.  
  
  
  
  
  
((So, what'd you think? I know, I know, the OC thing was stupid...oh well...)) 


End file.
